Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving

Some of us call the fourth Thursday in November “Thanksgiving (Day)” and consider it a day set aside for the pious duty of, well, thanks-giving. O.K, then.
Others, however, condense the day’s meaning to the simpler truths of football, gigantic balloons floating above has-been vocalists, and a slain bird. “Turkey Day.” Not an official holiday, but whatever.

For purists intent on the meaning of the rather large fowl sacrificed to gastronomical pleasures, I below present some marvelous truths about the lord of the meat-poultry.

The first turkeys eaten were of course hunted in the wild. These birds are hardly stupid. Then someone realized that wild turkeys, flying from place to place and dodging predators, developed rather tough muscles over the lifetime it took to grow a mealtime bulk. And the turkey farm was created.

These farmed birds were scientifically bred to produce meatier offspring. Meaning some guys in overalls went around saying, “That thar turkey rooster issun bit bigger than ‘tother, letsus marry him off to that-ther big gal o’ a turkey hen.” The farmer benefited by growing bigger, more profitable birds on less feed. But every silver lining has its cloud, and along with monetary blessing came the curse of having to deal with a really, REALLY brainless bird all day, every day, for years until either retiring or running oneself over with a tractor.

Yes, lots of tender meat and lots of yarn-for-brains are genetically connected in turkeys. Therefore, domesticated turkeys are dumb.

SO dumb that turkeys are known to starve while pacing back and forth in a feed trough, dragging their legs through almost a foot of prime turkey feed.

SO dumb that turkeys are known to drown in water troughs with less than a half-inch of water in which to die.

SO dumb that turkey hens drop eggs while standing up.

And yes, the egg tends to break in the fall. So, exactly why hasn’t the domesticated turkey died out yet? Survival of the fittest, right? I mean, if the turkey hen is so dumb as to destroy it’s own means of creating offspring…

Enter the pitiable turkey farmer and a charge on his credit card for rubber mats. That's right folks, turkey farms across the world are padded with rubber to prevent the destruction of all domestic turkey multiplication.
One problem, though…

For some unexplainable reason, turkeys like rubber. Not just like, crave. This is true. It’s the reason for home video of escaped turkeys eating away at the tires on parked cars.
What’s that? “You are what you eat”?
Hope you enjoyed your roasted rubber bird over the Holiday.

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